Are You Playing Small?

I was.

But not quite how you’d imagine.

On paper, I had it together. Career-wise, I was winning. I had the titles, the accolades, the access. But behind the scenes? I was playing small in how I showed up in my own life.

I needed better boundaries. I needed to not just list my values but have them truly defined.

I let a lot of things slide. I ignored my intuition. I stayed in friendships out of history, not alignment. I dated men who looked great on paper but weren’t good for my spirit.

I dimmed my own light to keep other people (and myself) comfortable. It wasn’t until life forced me to take a hard look at myself that I realized how much I had been shrinking. And it took years – about four or five – to unlearn it all, and I’m still unlearning. Because change doesn’t happen overnight. Growth isn’t instant. But once I started seeing the patterns, I couldn’t unsee them.

So if you’re wondering whether you might be playing small, let’s talk about it. It is my ambition to use my personal journey as a testimony to help other women.

Here are five signs you might be dimming your own light:

1. You’re Not Doing Inventory of Your Circle

The people around you can make or break you and I know this all too well.

It doesn’t matter if it’s romantic, platonic, or even familial—if you constantly feel drained, misunderstood, or undervalued, you’re likely playing small in this area. I wanted relationships that went deeper, that felt like true soul connections.

I wasn’t comfortable with solitude yet, and I didn’t want to be alone, so I accepted everything but this. I kept people around because it felt easier than letting go. But when you tolerate mistreatment or half hearted energy, you're subconsciously telling yourself that this is all you deserve.

Taking inventory wasn’t always easy because the signs weren’t always obvious. I’ve learned along the way that sometimes people aren’t directly misaligned with who you are, that people aren’t always against you, but they can simply not be for you in the most rudimentary way. And that distinction matters. Long-term relationships are beautiful, but only when they evolve with you. Holding on out of history, obligation, or comfort can keep you from stepping into the relationships that are actually meant to grow with you.

So I started doing inventory. I stopped excusing the little things. I stopped explaining. I paid attention to how I felt. And once I started, I began to cut the dead weight and life expanded for me. God (the Universe, Source, whatever you’d like to call Her) replaced what I lost with what I actually needed—peace, purpose, relationships that felt good to my soul. And I realized that the life I was craving could never exist while I was still playing small.

2. You’re Afraid to Outgrow Your Current Life

Growth is supposed to stretch you. It’s supposed to shift how you think, move, and operate. But too often, we hold ourselves back—not just from outgrowing people, but from outgrowing entire ways of living. I’ve seen it firsthand—people staying in the same cycles, the same routines, the same limiting beliefs for years. And for a while, I did too. Because evolving meant stepping into the unknown, and the unknown felt uncomfortable.

True growth requires being willing to let go—not just of people, but of outdated versions of yourself. But staying stuck in the familiar is a form of playing small. We play small when we resist stepping into the next version of ourselves because we're afraid of what might change.

3. You Never Challenge Your Own Mentality

Accountability isn’t fun for anyone.

But if you never question yourself, if you never stop and ask, "Could I be wrong? Could I see this differently?" then you’re playing small.

One of the biggest shifts I had to make was realizing I wasn’t always right. My perspective wasn’t the only perspective. And if I wanted to evolve, I had to stop making excuses for myself. I had to check my own patterns and beliefs.

That meant therapy, which helped me understand my stuck points, like black-and-white thinking. That meant reading things that challenged me. That meant getting real with myself about the ways I was standing in my own way and checking my ego.

Sometimes, you are the one keeping yourself stuck. Playing small is a comfortable prison—unwilling to evolve because it’s easier to stay where you are.

4. You Prioritize Titles Over Character

I lived in a city that placed access and status above everything else. Who you knew mattered more than who you were. I watched people stay in relationships and communities with individuals they knew had questionable character—simply because they didn’t want to lose access or risk being excluded. They wanted to be connected, invited, seen, and accepted.

Prioritizing titles or status is a way of playing small. Titles don’t mean anything if the person behind them lacks integrity. I had to unlearn the idea that being associated with certain people or events gave me value. I realized no event, no connection, no superficial relationship was worth my peace.

Playing small meant sacrificing my integrity and peace of mind just to stay connected to the “right” people. No, thank you. I wanted to hold myself to my principles.

5. You’re Stuck in Preparation Mode

You read the books. You take the courses. You journal. You brainstorm. But when it comes to actually doing the thing? You hesitate.

For years, I thought I was being productive. I was “getting ready” for the next chapter of my life. I was “figuring things out.” But the truth? I was stuck in a cycle of preparing instead of executing.

Playing small is about what you delay within yourself.

Perfectionism, fear of failure, over-researching—these are all just dressed-up forms of self-doubt. And they’ll keep you in the same place if you let them. At some point, you have to trust that you’re ready now. Because the only way to truly grow is to start moving. Even if you don’t have it all figured out.

Embrace Your Evolution

Ask yourself: Where are you shrinking? Where are you holding back? Where are you letting fear, comfort, or attachment keep you stuck?

You can’t step into your fullest potential while clinging to the things, people, and mindsets that keep you small. Believe me—I’ve been there. It’s not just about the fabulous career. If your inner world is out of sync with your outer success, you’ll find yourself feeling unfulfilled, disconnected, and stuck. Real growth comes when you align who you are on the inside with the life you’re creating on the outside. It's about shedding the things that no longer serve your evolution, whether that’s outdated beliefs, toxic environments, or relationships that drain your energy. When you make space for what truly nourishes you, that’s when the magic happens.

Once I finally let go, everything changed.

And it can for you too. All my love,

AB